People are Allowed to Leave You

People are Allowed to Leave YouI saw this last night and found it very interesting. It tugs at my heart a bit, especially given the recent break-up (though we did talk again for almost two hours the other night, so I’m doing pretty well, all things considered), but overall I found it to ring true. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but it prompted an odd feeling of unrest in me despite the fact that I think it provides a fair assessment. As one of my grad school professors used to say, “People are just trying to get their needs met.”

What about you, readers? How do you feel about the above quote?

Self-confidence Sunday #10

Abs Fitness Progress PhotoI took this photo before going to the gym earlier this week. It’s been interesting, because during the course of coaching 15-20 hours a week plus being so stressed by everything to do with the precursors to the breakup, I lost more weight and size than I realized.

When I pulled clothes together for my job interview, I realized that my “post-surgery office clothes” no longer fit me anymore. That’s (mostly) a good thing, although I’ve really got to take care that I’m eating enough going forward. Usually I eat plentyyy, but my stress response includes an appetite that is cut to nearly nothing.

Anyway, I’ve lost inches all over. My waist is back down to 25.5-26, depending on the day, and my hips went from a 39.5 (yes, my lower body gets huge for my very petite size) to a 37. As long as I’m still gaining in strength, I’m fine with that, but I don’t know that I want to get as tiny as I was in high school! My weight is sitting at about 118 right now, and I think I’m good as long as I don’t get below about 110.

How has your own journey toward health, fitness, or strength been going this year? Have you been able to keep up with your New Year’s resolution, or did you hit a snag this month?

Back in the Saddle Again

We elderlies decided to play around a bit after six hours at the gym tonight. After the last two weeks I’ve had, this was exactly what I needed. ❤️ Nothing complicated, but here’s one of my fellow coaches and I going for a walk-in hands to heel stretch:

The February Trifecta

We always talk about trouble coming in threes, and though this often seems to (randomly) match reality, I generally consider the phrase to be the equivalent of folklore. After the past week or so, however, I think I may need to reevaluate that stance.

One: Significant other broke up with me (on Valentine’s Day, though that was partly at my urging that we make a decision rather than let it hang over us any longer).

Two: Unexpected death of a family member (extended family, to clarify) Monday

Three: Job offer that seemed right on the horizon pretty much evaporated (aaand when I turn 26 Tuesday, my health insurance evaporates too; at least I had a back-up plan in case I didn’t get this job, so I won’t be paying a fee). I think they hired internally, in which case there was never much of a shot in the first place…and I do not quite understand why I was given the encouragement that I was given.

At least there has been movement related to the first “trouble,” and I have requests for interviews other places related to the third. But good grief, can a girl catch a break this February?! 😉

If nothing else, I am very grateful that a “switch” seems to have flipped in 2016: I simply no longer have the energy to be sad this year. Coaching has helped tremendously with that. I admit that I was pretty down in the dumps about the boy, mostly because I am not working full-time+, but I feel much better about that right now (probably due to phone calls with him, but I digress). I suppose I’ll just keep on keepin’ on, trying to find the lessons in all this, and remembering that a year from now, I will not still be in this position.

You Walk Like Every Poem I Wish I Could Write

You Walk Like Every Poem I Wish I Could Write

Although I’ve already used this image in a previous post, a line from this poem has consistently drifted to my mind for the past few weeks. If there could be one way to describe all the things I yearn to tell him–to show him–about who he is through the filter of my admiring eyes, it would be this: “You walk like every poem I wish I could write.”

Self-Confidence Sunday #9

Delts Fitness Progress PhotoThis post isn’t particularly inspiring or exciting, but I took this photo last Saturday when I hit the gym and noticed that my “coaching delts” are certainly back in full-force. People often are surprised that coaching alone keeps my upper body in such good shape, but that just goes to show that they often don’t understand what goes into the job! For a great many reasons that go beyond physical fitness, I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be a coach. It makes me happy, and it flat-out just makes me a better person all-around.

After Forgiving: Forget or Move On?

I finally contacted him this morning. It was the longest we’d ever gone without speaking (5.5 days, to be precise). I barely slept, and I was mad at him (stemming partly from Instagram, but I don’t know if I even have the energy to write about that right now). I texted to tell him that I was angry with him, after which he said it was pretty deserved (due to the break-up itself and the communication issues that resulted in that). I fired off plenty of reasons why, beginning with IG and then moving on to short bits of things that I “let go” while we were dating but that were never really resolved to satisfaction.

So of course, he called because he wanted to hear it from me…and we ended up talking for an hour and a half, both of us running on 3-4 hours of sleep and him with an incredibly full day ahead of him. I hate (or love…both? I don’t know) that his voice still calms and soothes me, that I trust what he says, that all I want is to be beside him. Still. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an idiot or because I believe in him, believe that we have something that is still worth trying for (eventually).

He said he still wants to be in my life. I told him that if he wants to be my friend, he’s got to be there consistently. All or nothing. And that if he were to start seeing someone down the road, I would want to know so that I could disappear and work to heal and get completely over him (and I would extend that same courtesy). It’s just really hard, because we still care for each other. We just show our love and affection in different ways, we approach dating differently, and we have different space needs and coping mechanisms.

I certainly will have to let him pick up any slack from before were I ever to consider dating him again down the road… But Lord have mercy, I can’t help but hope that someday that would be a possibility. He said that he expects me to be angry with him, and to intermittently “go off” sometimes when we’re talking or together in person. He kept talking about how he had been a jerk. But I don’t think he understands that I can’t stay mad at him. I can’t help but to forgive him. Isn’t that what relationships are partly about? Seeing someone’s flaws that they can hide from everyone else, being the recipient of some of their worst behaviors (barring abuse and such, obviously), and then loving and forgiving them anyway?

I just don’t want to be stupid and end up getting burned again. But how do you know the difference between someone who is worth struggling for at times and someone who just isn’t worth your time, who isn’t willing to put in that sort of work or who will never love you? I’m afraid my heart is not always the most trustworthy of entities when it comes to matters such as these.

Dented Armor

I know what you would tell me. “It’s for work. You don’t realize that all of the things I do are connected to work in some way.” “I rarely get the time to see them. It was for their kids.” “But it was Random Act of Kindness Day. Are you really going to get mad at me for doing something nice for someone? I can’t just see you all the time.” “Of course I’m going to NCA’s. How could I not, especially with the chance to meet people I could do work for? You’re actually getting mad at me for doing something I love that helps my business? When you act that way, it really doesn’t make me want to see you.”

And that’s when I would remind you that all of those things are why I kept telling you I didn’t feel like a priority, which always made you mad. Maybe you just don’t know how… Maybe it was just me. Something about me didn’t draw you in anymore, perhaps. Either way, you find time to do all these other things, but you always explained to me that all you have time for is work, that you’re so behind, and that you don’t want to spend our time together just working.

At the end of the day, I think you like swooping in to rescue people. They all love you for it, their kids love you, they post about how great you are all over social media…but when it comes to sustaining a relationship and taking care of one person, I don’t think you want to do even half of what it takes unless it’s convenient most of the time.

Relationships aren’t convenient. People are not neat and easily scheduled or one-dimensional, and you can’t just be there during some sort of crisis (like when your coworker calls you at 4 a.m., though you never told me whether or not that was an actual crisis or if she just wanted to discuss the recent weather, idk. Anyway.). You have to be there for the little things, the daily joys and musings and disappointments, too. And Jesus, once a week isn’t exactly a “high-maintenance” request when we live only 30 miles from each other (and I’m the one that comes to you)…and our workplaces are only 20 minutes away.

I’m just so tired of excuses masquerading as reasons. And now that I have the freedom to without jeopardizing us–since there is no “us” now–, the anger is starting to kick in. Maybe it should have a long time ago.