Self-confidence Sunday #17

Last month, I agreed to do a sample shoot for the catalog of a company in which my freelance employer invests. The product, a line of collegiate-branded women’s sleepwear, seemed right up my alley (seriously, who doesn’t love pajamas??), though it had been a while since I’d done a shoot. Although it was fun (my photographer, Tara Arseven, was just wonderful: personable, intelligent, and funny), the experience was a good reminder that I simply am not keen on attempting to use my appearance to make a living when I could (less stressfully, and with fewer creepers) use my talents to do the same. If nothing else, some of the attire was just skimpier than I am comfortable being photographed: about the least I’m okay with wearing tends to be a sports bra and spandex shorts for a sports-related shoot.

He (my freelance boss) wanted to do a re-shoot with another photographer as well, and had talked about me rebuilding my portfolio, but it felt good to be able to say with certainty that I would prefer to focus on my writing/editing/marketing and that I’m not interested in any sort of modeling right now.

There were some nice images, including the ones I’ve posted here…but what I really liked about the shoot was the glimmer of my genuine smile coming back (not counting the one with the straddle hold below: my face was showing the strain of holding the position, but cool athletic things >>> being attractive). For me, this was evidence of the fact that hard times don’t last forever: I was bound to be back to my old self again, just better, stronger, wiser, and hopefully kinder than ever before. Hurt doesn’t have to last forever. Photoshoot Tara Arseven Laughter Pillowfight Joy Auburn - Copy Photoshoot by Tara Arseven Straddle Hold Yoga GymnasticsSample Photoshoot Tara Arseven Auburn University

And just like that

You were gone,

Much like the wave of

Emotion your now-distant

Memory succinctly evokes.

Sometimes, it can be a blessing to have the “one that got away” only a text message away. He, who broke my heart several short years ago, was suddenly my lifeline when Seyi turned out to be a legitimately shitty person. Even now, we are in tune enough for that; still finishing each other’s sentences after all this time. I told him I’d never forgive him if he made me fall for him again…but perhaps I’ve finally (hopefully!!!) learned what Ms. Maya admonished long ago: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I’m not sure if it’s from being sick, or perhaps the days I end up working 9:30-8:30, but I’ve just been really tired lately. And very frustrated tonight… I stayed for the remainder of open gym and I just couldn’t/wouldn’t (the issue is mental, not a physical inability) tumble except for throwing tucks on one specific mat. -__- I’m so, so fucking tired of dealing with mental blocks. Tired of not having my life where I want it in general, I guess. But that takes time. I know it will work out, so I’ve just got to keep chugging along.

I’m moving next month. I certainly have mixed feelings about that, since there’s so much more I wanted to be able to do for my parents before I moved, but with my sister moving back home it’s just a better idea for me to go. Plot twist: I’m moving in with the “other woman” (or one of them, anyway); hereafter, I’ll just refer to her as “F,” my roommate-to-be. As she and I have laughed about, Seyi may have been a shitty person but he sure did have good taste in women. 😉 We’d wanted to meet each other for a while, and it turns out we have a whole lot in common. I’m excited about this new chapter in my life even as I am already missed evenings with my parents and worrying about the financial aspects.

I hope things will feel better in the morning. It was just a rough day, but things will get better soon. Maybe I just need a hug, a long set of sprints, and a margarita.