Bad Luck with Nice Hotels in Strange Cities, Part 2

For Part 1 of this saga, introduced as evidence to support the assertion that my life is a joke, read here:

Bad Luck with Nice Hotels in Strange Cities, Part 1

(I started writing this post the Saturday (April 9th) I was still in Houston, hence the present tense passages!)

Being here is absolutely lovely. I am thankful for the opportunity to escape a bit for the weekend, and it has renewed my belief that I need to start taking mini-getaway trips (with Max the Cat, of course!) every once in a while. I just am fighting with my impulse to feel guilty for “letting” B. take me out for dinner(s) and drinks, to get a massage (editor’s note: we didn’t end up doing that), arrange my flights and put me up in this nice hotel (though I hope both of those were free of charge and from his points, since he frequently travels for work), buy me flowers…even though I didn’t ask for any of it and he offered multiple times before I accepted. But I also have to remind myself that it is not my fault that he is doing so, and that I owe nobody anything—not my time, emotions, body, affection, or attention—because they have done something nice for me. In the past, I have been very careful to pick up my share of the costs when men have offered to do something similar.

I just don’t think many men understand how disappointing it can be to realize that someone wants to date you when they at first gave the appearance that they were actually interested in you as a person without wanting anything from you. And when I say “wanting anything,” I’m not referring to sex, which people often assume when women say that. Especially in a professional setting, it really changes the dynamic and comfort level and it’s exhausting when it happens constantly. Just talk to me like a freaking person without having an ulterior motive; not that hard.

So as far as planning for today went, we left off last night with the decision that I would sleep until I woke (and then try to sleep some more) then let him know when I was ready to get pancakes/go get those massages he suggested we go get/go do anything else I decided I would like to do in the city.

I woke at 9:45 the first time (ick) because my body decided it would be obscene to sleep more than 6.5 hours. After some finagling, I was able to wrangle up another hour of sleep, but that was about the extent of it. I made coffee and leisurely got ready for the day, then messaged him at noon to mention another of the hotel quirks I’d discovered and ask if he minded if I got some writing done. He responded several minutes later and said, “No problem. I’ve got some errands to run…no rush at all. Plenty of quirks in all shapes and sizes haha”

But then things started to feel (even more) awkward…evidenced by our textual interactions during the day (spoiler, I did not see him again after our exchange Friday night!):

(me) 1:47 p.m. “True, haha! I’ll probably put writing and other to-do sorts of things on hold in another 30, I think.”

(B.) 3:02 p.m. “Ok cool! Should we get massages?”

(me.) 3:05 p.m. “If you’re still up for it, then so am I!”

As of 5:17 p.m., I have not gotten a response to that, so perhaps he’s offended that I was not chomping at the bit to hold his hand, go to his house to “help rearrange furniture,” etc. last night. -_-

Update: at 5:09 p.m. he forwarded me an email from someone who is looking for an assistant in the Houston area. The job would pay $50,000 a year. Which is cool and all…except I do not live in Houston and have no plans to move here. Especially given whatever is going on right now with this.

(5:40 p.m.) I have to admit, I am a little irritated right now. Yes, it was really nice of him to use his points to fly me down and put me up in this nice hotel. The flowers were nice, the food and drinks were nice. But to pretend that all that was because you were empathic about my horrible, heartbreaking experience and then use that as an opportunity to hit on me…? That’s not okay. At all.

And then, it was finally addressed:

FullSizeRender FullSizeRender_1 FullSizeRender_2 FullSizeRender_3 FullSizeRender_4 FullSizeRender_5 FullSizeRender_6Although he certainly didn’t come off as ungentlemanly during the conversation, it really irked me that he didn’t have any sort of understanding at how upsetting it was to go through that sort of bait-and-switch type of situation and have him knowingly hit on me (and he’s 13 years my senior and had never seen me in person before!!!) and then say that he “can’t control the timing on those things.” Seriously…? That’s all you have to say, after consciously ignoring everything I was going through and putting your wants (wants that were completely out of left field, mind you) before my needs? No thanks.

Needless to say, I hit the downstairs hotel happy hour that evening, where my night was filled with many whiskey sours and which ended with me lifting a “large Asian man” (as he called himself) who was impressed with my biceps and then drinking out of a very cute flower vase before hopping up to bed.Whiskey Sour Westin Hotel Houston Cafe…and yessss, there will be a Part 3! 😉

12 thoughts on “Bad Luck with Nice Hotels in Strange Cities, Part 2”

  1. That’s one Hell of a story. You’re a very brave woman. Most women wouldn’t even have given themselves a chance to find themselves in a situation like that. You had a lot of faith in someone you’d never met in person before, not to mention his age. You should’ve seen all of that coming from a mile away though. Not saying good folks ain’t out there but they’re about as rare as the sun on a rainy day. And don’t knock Houston. It’s not a strange city; I love that place. I’m actually about to move back there. Lol Also, I read your message on IG. What’s up with you and these older men? How’d you get into all this? Lol

    1. That’s exactly the point: I shouldn’t *have* to assume that people always have ulterior motives, especially someone who I genuinely believe to be a kind person who also was a good friend of a fellow (female, btw) alum. It often feels like women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t: we should always “see that coming a mile away”…but we aren’t supposed to let those situations affect how we view and interact with men, aren’t supposed to be too guarded or jaded, closed-off, suspicious, or “bitter.”

      I honestly don’t know how I end up in those situations, lol. The one regarding the much, much older guy was because my boss decided I needed to be set up with a millionaire twice my age. =/ Nah…

  2. Lol Better late than never huh? I completely forgot about this. That millionaire part was hilarious though. What, you don’t want a sugar daddy? Age is a big thing with you huh? Unfortunately good women are hard to find so if you have a decent personality and you’re attractive is going to be hard to find a guy who’s not somewhat interested. Is that really such a bad thing though? Woe is you, you’re attractive and likeable. Lol

    1. …he was 53 and had a daughter and an an-wife. Yes, I want someone I can build a life with and live the rest of my life with and not be widowed at 50. I want someone who loves me for who I am, not what I look like, and who is in a similar stage in life. I want to achieve all my career goals and have someone by my side who is rooting for me the whole way, not someone who expects me to give all that up to step in and be a housewife.

      Yes, it’s actually pretty shitty when men don’t really care about who I am, how competent and intelligent I am, or what I think about things and instead want only to possess me, when they only have ulterior motives. When I get harassed at work because I’m seen as a piece of ass first and a competent professional second. It also kinda sucks being stalked, which I’ve had happen more than once, and being harassed in public basically daily isn’t fun either. I seriously had an older man follow me around the grocery store for about half an hour recently because he decided I should marry him. I’ve had cashiers follow me to my car because they wanted to ask me out. Yes, it really is “such a bad thing,” which is why women constantly speak out about it. Sexism sucks, and it affects every area of our lives.

  3. I think everyone just needs to find a happy medium because even though the women aspect of sexism is talked about more it goes both ways. There’s certain jobs and positions we lose out to women all the time simply because “sex sells”. There’s certain events and places we either can’t get into or have to pay to get into whereas women can just walk right in. Furthermore, being not only a young man but an African American I can honestly tell I’d rather have pretty girl problems than the struggles I have; that list literally goes on and on and on. And that’s not one issue is more important than the other. Corporations profit millions if not billions of dollars a year but won’t let they’re women who have just had a child stay home for the first twelve weeks with pay. That’s absolutely ridiculous. But everyone is different problems and different problems effect people differently.

    1. Pretty girl problems, huh. And you really think women “take jobs” from men because other men think we’re pretty, not because we’re competent, and then if we’re just there because “sex sells,” that we ALSO wouldn’t be harassed or worse? I don’t think you understand the insidious, systemic, systematic, and also violent nature of sexism (especially if you chalk it “going both ways” to you having to pay more to get into a bar)…which honestly baffles me because as a black man you definitely face racism every day and in every facet of your life too. But we can’t be on the same side and play Oppression Olympics, my friend. Social justice is extremely important to me; I believe it to be imperative that I, as a white woman, to speak out every chance I get. That’s the only way things start to change. This is especially important to me because I grew up in the inner-city around almost exclusively people of color. But for real though, you can’t disregard the effect of sexism on my life and simultaneously speak out against how awful racism is since they are very, very similar beasts…especially when women of color deal with both.

  4. I’m not disregarding anything. I was raised by a single black woman. I’m very familiar with the struggles of not only being a woman but being a black woman. You’re picking little pieces of what I’m saying and trying to make me sound condescending. I’m talking from life experience as well. I’m not saying your issues aren’t and shouldn’t be taken seriously. All I’m saying is, in general, there’s always a grey area. For example, racism. It is very real but I can honestly say as an African American that many of my people do not help the issue with how they conduct themselves. Some of my brothers and sisters sincerely fit the stereotype and are mad when people treat them like the stereotype. Again, I just think we all need to find a happy medium and see things not just from both but all sides.

    1. Agreed: that would be why I spent a significant number of years studying those very issues, and the impacts of intersectionality, in both college and graduate school. But yes, it was more than a little condescending to reduce sexism to “pretty girl problems.” I grew up in the hood, below the poverty line, and was one of very few of my own color. That alone presented more than “pretty girl problems,” and constant harassment by men (I’ve had to sleep with a loaded gun on more than one occasion, btw, because when men get told “no” they sometimes get violent) certainly qualifies as a legitimate issue.

      Ditto on saying it “goes both ways”: there are detriments to men due to patriarchy (not feminism. ever.), but no, men don’t face sexism. Very similar to how a white person can be discriminated against, yes, but because that is never on an institutional level, white individuals do not face racism itself and will never face the same racial prejudice and discrimination that people of color do on a daily basis. Like I said though, we just need to be on the same side without downplaying the impact that our white, heterosexual male-dominated patriarchal society has on each of us, you know?

  5. I am definitely not aiming to offend you though. I sincerely apologize if I have. I’m sorry. You, by all means deserve and have the right to be pursued in a genuine non-superficial manner. The only question is how does someone approach you then? People don’t pursue people they’re not attracted to.I’m sorry but attraction is usually the initial motivator; it’s human nature. Are you open to giving someone a chance or do you immediately write them off because they’re attracted to you?

    1. Lol what if I don’t want to be pursued? What if I want someone to get to know who I am first? I don’t write anyone off as long as they are interested in who I am, respectful, and I am interested as well. I lose interest quickly if all they know how to do is talk about my physical features.

  6. Lol If you don’t want to be pursued then fine. It would just be sad if you wrote of anyone who was physically attracted to you first, because that would be every guy you met. Don’t get me wrong, personality is definitely the most important factor at the end of day. That’s the main reason why I myself am single now. For some reason I always seem to find individuals who are very beautiful but have very little substance and unfortunately looks don’t mean enough to me to have a constant headache. You have no idea how hard it is to have an adult conversation like this with someone around here. As far as the other stuff goes I want to apologize for the “pretty girl problems”. I admit that was a very disrespectful and condescending and ignorant statement to make. Again, I apologize. We really do need to be on the same side.

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