So I’ll be the first to say that I don’t necessarily have the best luck with men (if you’ve followed my writing for very long, you can attest to this). Some of that is because I—a coach through and through—tend to see people’s potential, forgive mistakes, and assume that everyone I meet is generally trying his or her best from their own current level of consciousness.
Yeah, false. It’s a nice sentiment in theory, but Lord have mercy, that approach has resulted in some of the most cringe-worthy experiences of my life. That being said, here are some signs (from my own experience) that it absolutely is freaking time to run, break up, move out, discontinue all textual interactions, hide yo kids/wife/cat, return his hoodie, and/or consider a restraining order:
- He wants to demonstrate to a homeless man that he finds him trustworthy, so over the course of a couple weeks, gives said homeless man approximately $10,000. And fully expects it to be repaid.
- He ever thinks, utters, or even dreams the phrase “the clitoris is irrelevant.”
- He tries to lobby you for partial custody of *your* cat. You know, because he sorta feels like the little guy is y’all’s child.
- He is so impatient while waiting in line that he tries to jump the valley in between Jack in the Box and Taco Bell, resulting in many social media postings from strangers and a hefty tow truck bill. But at least this time the impulsiveness didn’t get him arrested, so that’s a plus.
- Skid marks. No further explanation needed.
- He impersonates a (nonexistent) girl named “DeeDee” in one of your classes through text in order to determine whether or not you like him. When you are immediately suspicious and call, the voicemail recording has his full name in it.
- He shows up 1+ hours late to your place after you have invested a significant amount of time and energy cooking a meal, especially for an anniversary or other event. Arrives, is shocked you can “actually cook,” and says he would have quit drinking and playing darts (literally down the road) much earlier if he knew you could thrown down in the kitchen.
- He starts the slope toward ghosting as soon as he finds out you have multiple degrees, went to a prestigious university, and make decent money. (Go ahead and save him the trouble right then, sis. That dude full-on disappeared the same night I found out a friend of mine had died.)
- He spends a significant amount of time reminding you that he “could have” played ball in college, the SEC specifically, abroad, the NBA/NFL… We get it bro: you ain’t got the juice, the genes, or the work ethic.
- Okay, I get that you can’t choose your family. But at some point, a certain number of relatives in the pen for murder, attempted murder, and/or assault has GOT to mean something.
- He explains that he’s really only pursuing his military career because he wants to kill people without having to go to jail. (Abort mission immediately.)
- Not everyone agrees, and that’s fine, but I personally believe that cheating should basically always be a deal-breaker. But when it happens on your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, when your grandmother is in hospice and you’re at the bedside…just put mayonnaise in all the man’s favorite shoes and call it a day.
- He breaks into your house in an attempt to steal the necklace he gave you for Valentine’s Day a couple years prior. Because he wants to regift it to some woman in the future who will “appreciate it.” (Note: apparently, “appreciate” means “won’t leave when cheated on.”) He then proceeds to sleep with a married woman twenty years his senior, whose husband then calls for marriage advice…? Stay away from all three of these people.
- He informs you that he has a library of every picture he has taken of his penis since 2013. It’s an extensive collection.
- He writes you a letter confessing that he just doesn’t like your “perky boobs.” I mean, to each his own, but yo is there a purpose in telling me this…?
Got a dating horror story that rivals some of mine above? I’d love to laugh with you—please share in the comments!