I haven’t really decided how well I’m doing about ol’ boy and this whole breakup business. Some days I’m just fine (well…especially when he calls), and some I feel like I’m a disaster. I’ll get upset about things he posts on social media for no–or at least, very little–reason because they make me feel again like he could have the time for me if he just made the time. But as he said the other day when we talked, (when he said he “better go” before: ) he blamed me for taking up his time and “making him want to sleep” because I was the only available one to blame, lol. That man is something else…
He has been sounding a lot better though; I had been worried about how stressed and exhausted he was the last month we were actually together. He called me Tuesday on my birthday, but I was coaching. I called back a couple hours later, before going out for dinner and drinks with the other coaches, but he didn’t answer. He did call me again the next day (which I again missed during practice, so then we played more phone tag because he was coaching too), and when we spoke he mentioned that I must have been too busy drinking to talk to him.
It’s just funny. He’s been initiating at various times on Facebook, Snapchat, text, or by phone (not every day though), and I’ve been trying really hard this week not to make the first move. I think it’s very important for me not to chase him. I guess I have no idea whether or not he’ll ever even be open to getting back together, but I think I need to operate as though he is not while simultaneously evaluating whether or not that is truly what I want (even though my heart is yelling at me that I’m being an idiot).
What I do know is that it will never be a good thing to date someone who is less into me than I am into him, and who will not treasure me, cherish me, love me, respect me, and communicate with me consistently…and feel lucky to have the opportunity to do so. I cannot, cannot, cannot(!) compromise on that. Sometimes, I think I get so caught up in loving someone so freely and purely that I forget I need to make sure I’m with someone who is equally (at least most of the time) smitten and committed…because I just took it for granted that he was since he was the one that initiated all that and fell for me first.
Sometimes, it really hurts that he left, period. He told me he wouldn’t unless something big happened, like if I cheated on him or something, and I really, truly believed him. But it feels like he gave up on me, gave up on us, just because things got hard for him in life; like he just didn’t fight for us. For someone like me who is already working through some abandonment issues (working hard on those, I might add, and making lots of progress!), that can be a really scary and hurtful thing. And maybe this is stupid, but even after this (almost) three weeks apart, a big part of me still trusts him and feels that everything will work out and be okay.
I wish I knew where he stood, but that’s when I remind myself that that needs to be irrelevant to me right now. It matters where *I* stand, what *I* want and need, and I have to operate like I am back to my old routine of being single and fabulous and ambitious. It’s just hard to go back to that when simply hearing his voice makes me happy so effortlessly.