All I ask of you
Is that you not sacrifice my heart
As a peace offering
To keep your own misery at bay.
-Sarah Clinton
Tag: dating
Texts I Should Send But Never Will
“You can’t just treat women like they are disposable because you are hurting (due to your own actions making your last one leave). Don’t come to me for comfort–to talk and laugh and play video games together and make you feel like a human being–and then disappear. I never asked for anything, but don’t make promises you never intended to keep. Don’t marvel at the fact that I stroke your hair as if I care about you–I do: in fact, I care about people in general–and then treat me with disregard. My attention is valuable, my time is valuable, and so is my friendship. If there is one thing I can promise you, it is that I won’t give you the opportunity to heal your old wounds by gouging one out in me. By nature, you don’t deserve any part of me if you’re willing to treat others this way. I wish I’d learned that lesson long ago.”
Midnights in May
5/27/18
Sometimes I remember that night.
Rain pouring down around us,
Your kisses hot and wet,
The taste of salt on your lips.
The hood of your brother’s car was
The perfect brace in a pinch.
God, if only you’d understood
How much I loved you then.
If only I’d known it wouldn’t matter.
-Sarah Clinton
Cheers
12/20/17
It’s okay to drink
If wine is all that’s keeping you
From falling to your knees
At the feet of a man
Who is unworthy
Of kissing the ground you walk upon.
-Sarah Clinton
Vapor
February 7, 2018
You are more vapor than gust, now.
The only remnant of your presence
Appears at nightfall
When the world is all but asleep
And the wind carries along a whispered memory
That, when day breaks,
Is shoved aside
Like those old dreams
Of you and I.
-Sarah Clinton
Self-Confidence Sunday #23—Lesson Learned (Hopefully)
Part of the reason I was so broken when it was apparent that D. is not who I had believed was the realization that after all this time, I still had not learned to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt, to stop trusting their words even when their actions suddenly tell a very different story.
But maybe now, that lesson is finally hitting home.
Into the Arms of An Older Man
D. certainly threw me for a loop–both when he appeared and when he unceremoniously left (and then, of course, began doing the very same thing to another woman while lying to me about it, but that’s another story). Despite the short time we’d known each other, his leaving without any acknowledgement or offer of closure hit me harder than perhaps any other dating snafu since my early twenties. I had stopped eating, started drinking, and was pretty much a mess overall.
Repeating Life’s Lessons Until They Are Learned
If there is anything I think I finally, finally need to thoroughly learn this year, it is to stop trusting men I care about more than I trust my own intuition. “Always trust your gut” is an adage I’ve heard probably from the time I could walk, but it’s a lot easier said than done when going with your gut means acknowledging that someone you love, admire, esteem, etc., is lying to you or simply isn’t who you thought they were.
Self-Defense
It was a Makarov IJ-70. Soviet-era, heavy. She’d chosen it for the five-point star on the handle— which reminded her of her home state—and the image it evoked of a war-hardened military commander who, surely, would have fewer second thoughts than was she. She didn’t much want to admit it, but she’d also chosen it for the 16-pound trigger pull. Her brother had told her she could carry it safety-off with no trouble; she just wished she didn’t have to carry it.
Living in Color
When you’re hurting, I think it can be easy at times to allow your world to fade into gray. And that’s okay: sometimes, you have to do whatever it takes to get through whatever trial you’re facing.
Typically, I haven’t had the “luxury” of taking the time to process whatever grief or anger a situation has caused. This time, I made sure to go through that process. I’ll be honest, it was hard as hell and it pulled me way out of my comfort zone, but it was probably a lot healthier to allow myself to heal and gain wisdom from the experience.