Vapor

February 7, 2018

You are more vapor than gust, now.

The only remnant of your presence

Appears at nightfall

When the world is all but asleep

And the wind carries along a whispered memory

That, when day breaks,

Is shoved aside

Like those old dreams

Of you and I.

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Self-Confidence Sunday #23—Lesson Learned (Hopefully)

Part of the reason I was so broken when it was apparent that D. is not who I had believed was the realization that after all this time, I still had not learned to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt, to stop trusting their words even when their actions suddenly tell a very different story.

But maybe now, that lesson is finally hitting home.

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Repeating Life’s Lessons Until They Are Learned

If there is anything I think I finally, finally need to thoroughly learn this year, it is to stop trusting men I care about more than I trust my own intuition. “Always trust your gut” is an adage I’ve heard probably from the time I could walk, but it’s a lot easier said than done when going with your gut means acknowledging that someone you love, admire, esteem, etc., is lying to you or simply isn’t who you thought they were.

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Living in Color

When you’re hurting, I think it can be easy at times to allow your world to fade into gray. And that’s okay: sometimes, you have to do whatever it takes to get through whatever trial you’re facing.

Typically, I haven’t had the “luxury” of taking the time to process whatever grief or anger a situation has caused. This time, I made sure to go through that process. I’ll be honest, it was hard as hell and it pulled me way out of my comfort zone, but it was probably a lot healthier to allow myself to heal and gain wisdom from the experience.

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Charting My Own Waters

Perhaps that’s why it hurt so
When you left.
You had become
My guiding light
The bookends of my days
My Compass.

Ever the captain,
I resumed my rightful
Place at the helm
Readjusted the sails
And set course for
A paradise of my own making.

–Sarah Clinton

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Self-Confidence Sunday #22—Enough was Just Enough

So. I up and quit my job last month.

I had been at the company for about 13 months, a much shorter time than initially planned (given that my trajectory down the road was to step up as company Director of Communications). The funny thing is, I really loved my job.

It was incredibly demanding at times (and truthfully way too big for one person), but it also gave me a sense of purpose, I felt appreciated overall, and I felt that I was able to make a difference in my work. As the old saying goes, however, “people don’t leave jobs—they leave managers,” and that certainly held true for me.

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Closure

Signed, sealed, delivered—following my brain instead of my heart this time. Looks like your part in my story is over, love.

December 13, 2017

D,

I never got the chance to read it to you, but there’s a Warsan Shire poem that beautifully captures how I felt about you when we were seeing each other. It’s probably neither here nor there for us now, but I suppose sometimes everyone needs to know that despite our faults, someone out there would happily continue to choose us every day.

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Productive Procrastination and My 2018 Goals

I have some fairly intricate (and stressful) health and finance-related decisions to make right now, so I'm doing the mature, responsible thing: procrastinating!

...by putting my 2018 goals on paper/WordPress, so it counts.

Who knows what all I will actually accomplish, but during conversations with the last guy I started seeing, I realized that one of my biggest flaws is that I am afraid to dream big anymore. Frequently because, unfortunately, I am afraid to fail (yes, cultivating more of a growth mindset is something I'm currently working on, too).

I plan to edit this post as I think of more, but here we go for now! In 2018 I aim to:

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Choosing Forgiveness, Finding Peace

This week has been one full of lessons for me.

I've learned exactly how fast I can move when I witness an electrical fire in a garage full of cars...that happens to be located directly under my apartment. (Spoiler: car and cat were both moved to safe locations and the fire department got there within minutes, so thankfully no vehicles burst into flame.)

I've learned that this adult ADHD means I still deal with certain types of stress the same as always: don't eat (and y’all KNOW I love food), don't sleep, and run like hell. I've actually lost a full 1.5 inches from my waist just since Thanksgiving last week.

I've also been gently reminded that we simply can't expect other people to treat us how we would treat them, whether in friendship, in love, or in life in general.

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Rejoining the Living and Writing

“Write clear and hard about what hurts. Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don’t worry, no one ever died of it. You might cry or laugh, but not die.” —Ernest Hemingway

So the below is from a post I put up on Instagram this week. Typically I don’t post on social media about what’s happening in my “real life,” but I figured someone in a similar position might appreciate the solidarity.

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