You are
Every trapped story,
Each unwritten line,
Poem unpublished,
Song unsung.
You are
Love unrequited–
Mine, of course.
You are my muse,
And yet somehow,
A stumbling block too.
-Sarah Clinton
Tag: relationships
People are Allowed to Leave You
I saw this last night and found it very interesting. It tugs at my heart a bit, especially given the recent break-up (though we did talk again for almost two hours the other night, so I’m doing pretty well, all things considered), but overall I found it to ring true. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but it prompted an odd feeling of unrest in me despite the fact that I think it provides a fair assessment. As one of my grad school professors used to say, “People are just trying to get their needs met.”
Even in this Void
Oh, my love.
You gouge my heart as
Fast as you could fill it
and
Do neither with any intention.
I never knew
how full and
empty
I could be
All at one time.
Yet even in this void,
there is you.
-Sarah Clinton
The February Trifecta
We always talk about trouble coming in threes, and though this often seems to (randomly) match reality, I generally consider the phrase to be the equivalent of folklore. After the past week or so, however, I think I may need to reevaluate that stance.
One: Significant other broke up with me (on Valentine’s Day, though that was partly at my urging that we make a decision rather than let it hang over us any longer).
You Walk Like Every Poem I Wish I Could Write
Although I’ve already used this image in a previous post, a line from this poem has consistently drifted to my mind for the past few weeks. If there could be one way to describe all the things I yearn to tell him–to show him–about who he is through the filter of my admiring eyes, it would be this: “You walk like every poem I wish I could write.”
After Forgiving: Forget or Move On?
I finally contacted him this morning. It was the longest we’d ever gone without speaking (5.5 days, to be precise). I barely slept, and I was mad at him (stemming partly from Instagram, but I don’t know if I even have the energy to write about that right now). I texted to tell him that I was angry with him, after which he said it was pretty deserved (due to the break-up itself and the communication issues that resulted in that). I fired off plenty of reasons why, beginning with IG and then moving on to short bits of things that I “let go” while we were dating but that were never really resolved to satisfaction.
Dented Armor
I know what you would tell me. “It’s for work. You don’t realize that all of the things I do are connected to work in some way.” “I rarely get the time to see them. It was for their kids.” “But it was Random Act of Kindness Day. Are you really going to get mad at me for doing something nice for someone? I can’t just see you all the time.” “Of course I’m going to NCA’s. How could I not, especially with the chance to meet people I could do work for? You’re actually getting mad at me for doing something I love that helps my business? When you act that way, it really doesn’t make me want to see you.”
One Day at a Time
We broke up yesterday (yes, on Valentine’s Day). At least, if nothing else, the dread is worse than the actual reality. I can be grateful that the last month of us barely being able to spend time together prepared me for actually not being together.
It’s funny though, because if it had to happen, we at least got the best possible scenario. We both know that we can’t meet the other’s needs right now. He can’t give me the support and togetherness that I need, and I certainly can’t give him the amount of space for work that he needs right now. I still don’t understand why we couldn’t compromise, but I have to accept that his needs are different from mine and that I can’t always understand those. I’m glad that I won’t have to sacrifice my needs or hide my hurt anymore, and that I won’t feel like I’m lowering my standards for what I want in a relationship.
Maybe It’s Goodbye Again
Funny how when you finally find a way to persuade yourself to stop worrying about something, it looks like you should have been worried after all. I had a post all drafted up about the positive side of my significant other’s qualities that sometimes play a big role in our arguments, written mostly because he has this idea that he always makes me upset and that he can’t make me happy. But it seems like he’s too busy, stressed, exhausted to want to bother with us anymore… I guess if he has to cut something stressful out of his life, the woman who loves him is easier to ditch than work, his business (obviously), coaching, his recreational sport, etc.
Love Sneaks
It’s funny how love works. Sometimes all the grandest gestures in the world don’t make a bit of difference, even if you wish they would, and you just can’t love someone. Other times…seeing him burning up with fever–or exhausted and congested and frustrated and grumpy–just makes you want to take the weight of the world for him, even though he’d never let you. Somehow, perhaps inexplicably if we rely on logic, this man has unlocked your love simply by existing.