Why is it that we believe Elegance must be the face of a woman's suffering?
In the digital age especially, we have this idea that pain and heartbreak should be purely internal experiences. "We don't air our dirty laundry," an adage I heard more than once growing up in the South, is an apt summation of the notion that we (meaning anyone "respectable") don't speak of our struggles in the public realm.
By now, most of us know how we should probably answer the question, “Should I text him?” Almost invariably, even if we don’t actually know anything about the situationship at hand, the proper response is going to be an emphatic, “Hell no, girl!” Or in other words, “Quit giving your heart, energy, and attention to someone who isn’t reciprocating your interest. Period.”
But as anyone who has squared with dating in the digital age can tell you, that feat is much easier said than done when you: 1.) really like someone; 2.) thought (s)he was equally interested; and 3.) there has been no real discussion to (truthfully) explain the change in enthusiasm.
It felt like a fairytale.
I wasn’t really looking for anything other than someone to grab a drink with one evening after work. But he—as he put it when talking about me—just “checked all kinds of boxes,” per se. More than anyone else ever had.
This week has been one full of lessons for me.
I've learned exactly how fast I can move when I witness an electrical fire in a garage full of cars...that happens to be located directly under my apartment. (Spoiler: car and cat were both moved to safe locations and the fire department got there within minutes, so thankfully no vehicles burst into flame.)
I've learned that this adult ADHD means I still deal with certain types of stress the same as always: don't eat (and y’all KNOW I love food), don't sleep, and run like hell. I've actually lost a full 1.5 inches from my waist just since Thanksgiving last week.
I've also been gently reminded that we simply can't expect other people to treat us how we would treat them, whether in friendship, in love, or in life in general.
“Write clear and hard about what hurts. Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don’t worry, no one ever died of it. You might cry or laugh, but not die.” —Ernest Hemingway
So the below is from a post I put up on Instagram this week. Typically I don’t post on social media about what’s happening in my “real life,” but I figured someone in a similar position might appreciate the solidarity.
And just like that
You were gone,
Much like the wave of
Emotion your now-distant
Memory succinctly evokes.
Sometimes, it can be a blessing to have the “one that got away” only a text message away. He, who broke my heart several short years ago, was suddenly my lifeline when Seyi turned out to be a legitimately shitty person. Even now, we are in tune enough for that; still finishing each other’s sentences after all this time. I told him I’d never forgive him if he made me fall for him again…but perhaps I’ve finally (hopefully!!!) learned what Ms. Maya admonished long ago: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
It isn't easy yet...but I am free.
My entire relationship was a lie.
It’s Friday now; I found out Monday night. Since then, I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions: shock, numbness, anger, sadness, despair, determination, hope, regret, incredulity, wistfulness, pure unadulterated pain… You name it, I probably felt it this week.
Although losing him has been hard, today I am reminded of the fact that I can turn this heartbreak into a learning experience and further enrich my worldview, my capacity for empathy, and my understanding of myself. We’ve all been in that place where we thought someone deserved the world and we ultimately ended up rejected, often seemingly out of the blue. It hurts, but it’s an opportunity to take a deeper look into what we want and need out of relationships, what the other person wasn’t giving us that we at first did not acknowledge, where we have room to improve…and where, perhaps, we need to learn to know our own worth and expect more out of the other person. Sometimes, I think we actually get left when we do not expect enough out of our significant others, although that can be a scary thing to do.
If ever there were a moment to describe how he made me feel, why I fell for him and loved him so hard, it was this one.
