My parents met in college in the early 1980s. Smitten, they were soon engaged and then married when my mother was 19 and my father was 22. For the last semester of his pastoral program, Dad had to do missionary work in France; my mother, however, remained in Nashville. This was of course before the internet, and long-distance calls certainly weren't cheap.
I want to lay my head on your chest and just listen to you talk. It had been a long time since I’d been that intimate with anyone.
I miss hearing about your day. I miss the way your eyes would light up when you’d talk about something you’re really passionate about. I miss your eyes lighting up when you’d talk that way about me.
I have some fairly intricate (and stressful) health and finance-related decisions to make right now, so I'm doing the mature, responsible thing: procrastinating!
...by putting my 2018 goals on paper/WordPress, so it counts.
Who knows what all I will actually accomplish, but during conversations with the last guy I started seeing, I realized that one of my biggest flaws is that I am afraid to dream big anymore. Frequently because, unfortunately, I am afraid to fail (yes, cultivating more of a growth mindset is something I'm currently working on, too).
I plan to edit this post as I think of more, but here we go for now! In 2018 I aim to:
I can't recall Ever embracing the darkness.
Not like now. I'd never before sought Nothingness Rather than forging ahead Even when it meant I ran through pain.
He will talk of Empathy, perseverance, and forever. He will call you Love and Sweetheart and Darling, Purport to thank his lucky stars that you exist.
Why is it that we believe Elegance must be the face of a woman's suffering?
In the digital age especially, we have this idea that pain and heartbreak should be purely internal experiences. "We don't air our dirty laundry," an adage I heard more than once growing up in the South, is an apt summation of the notion that we (meaning anyone "respectable") don't speak of our struggles in the public realm.
By now, most of us know how we should probably answer the question, “Should I text him?” Almost invariably, even if we don’t actually know anything about the situationship at hand, the proper response is going to be an emphatic, “Hell no, girl!” Or in other words, “Quit giving your heart, energy, and attention to someone who isn’t reciprocating your interest. Period.”
But as anyone who has squared with dating in the digital age can tell you, that feat is much easier said than done when you: 1.) really like someone; 2.) thought (s)he was equally interested; and 3.) there has been no real discussion to (truthfully) explain the change in enthusiasm.
It felt like a fairytale.
I wasn’t really looking for anything other than someone to grab a drink with one evening after work. But he—as he put it when talking about me—just “checked all kinds of boxes,” per se. More than anyone else ever had.
This week has been one full of lessons for me.
I've learned exactly how fast I can move when I witness an electrical fire in a garage full of cars...that happens to be located directly under my apartment. (Spoiler: car and cat were both moved to safe locations and the fire department got there within minutes, so thankfully no vehicles burst into flame.)
I've learned that this adult ADHD means I still deal with certain types of stress the same as always: don't eat (and y’all KNOW I love food), don't sleep, and run like hell. I've actually lost a full 1.5 inches from my waist just since Thanksgiving last week.
I've also been gently reminded that we simply can't expect other people to treat us how we would treat them, whether in friendship, in love, or in life in general.
“Write clear and hard about what hurts. Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don’t worry, no one ever died of it. You might cry or laugh, but not die.” —Ernest Hemingway
So the below is from a post I put up on Instagram this week. Typically I don’t post on social media about what’s happening in my “real life,” but I figured someone in a similar position might appreciate the solidarity.