11/6/18
Why do I still fucking
Fantasize about you
When I know
You’re about to tear me apart?
Maybe I’m a masochist.
But maybe I should have
Made that connection when
You clasped a hand
‘Round my throat
On our first date,
Before you even kissed me,
And my knees were
Weaker than I ever cared admit,
Even to you.
11/12
Every time you woke up
And murmured, “I missed you,”
I knew that was code for
An “I love you”
That you feared would
Tear your heart in two
If you allowed the words
To escape those beautiful lips
That enthrall me
Every time you speak.
-Sarah Clinton
11/6/18
It’s weird not
Telling you
Goodnight tonight.
I wonder if
You’re scrolling
And swiping
(mostly left)
To take your mind
Off it too.
-Sarah Clinton
11/6
Good God,
Is it really, truly
Time
To start thinking
Of letting you go?
-Sarah Clinton
11/3/18
It is ironic that
I helped pick you up,
Returned you to your feet again,
Only for you to walk away
Toward her.
And her.
And her.
-Sarah Clinton
12/20/17
It’s okay to drink
If wine is all that’s keeping you
From falling to your knees
At the feet of a man
Who is unworthy
Of kissing the ground you walk upon.
-Sarah Clinton
February 7, 2018
You are more vapor than gust, now.
The only remnant of your presence
Appears at nightfall
When the world is all but asleep
And the wind carries along a whispered memory
That, when day breaks,
Is shoved aside
Like those old dreams
Of you and I.
-Sarah Clinton
D. certainly threw me for a loop–both when he appeared and when he unceremoniously left (and then, of course, began doing the very same thing to another woman while lying to me about it, but that’s another story). Despite the short time we’d known each other, his leaving without any acknowledgement or offer of closure hit me harder than perhaps any other dating snafu since my early twenties. I had stopped eating, started drinking, and was pretty much a mess overall.
If there is anything I think I finally, finally need to thoroughly learn this year, it is to stop trusting men I care about more than I trust my own intuition. “Always trust your gut” is an adage I’ve heard probably from the time I could walk, but it’s a lot easier said than done when going with your gut means acknowledging that someone you love, admire, esteem, etc., is lying to you or simply isn’t who you thought they were.
When you’re hurting, I think it can be easy at times to allow your world to fade into gray. And that’s okay: sometimes, you have to do whatever it takes to get through whatever trial you’re facing.
Typically, I haven’t had the “luxury” of taking the time to process whatever grief or anger a situation has caused. This time, I made sure to go through that process. I’ll be honest, it was hard as hell and it pulled me way out of my comfort zone, but it was probably a lot healthier to allow myself to heal and gain wisdom from the experience.
