Perhaps that’s why it hurt so
When you left.
You had become
My guiding light
The bookends of my days
My Compass.Ever the captain,
I resumed my rightful
Place at the helm
Readjusted the sails
And set course for
A paradise of my own making.
–Sarah Clinton
So. I up and quit my job last month.
I had been at the company for about 13 months, a much shorter time than initially planned (given that my trajectory down the road was to step up as company Director of Communications). The funny thing is, I really loved my job.
It was incredibly demanding at times (and truthfully way too big for one person), but it also gave me a sense of purpose, I felt appreciated overall, and I felt that I was able to make a difference in my work. As the old saying goes, however, “people don’t leave jobs—they leave managers,” and that certainly held true for me.
Signed, sealed, delivered—following my brain instead of my heart this time. Looks like your part in my story is over, love.
December 13, 2017
D,
I never got the chance to read it to you, but there’s a Warsan Shire poem that beautifully captures how I felt about you when we were seeing each other. It’s probably neither here nor there for us now, but I suppose sometimes everyone needs to know that despite our faults, someone out there would happily continue to choose us every day.
I have some fairly intricate (and stressful) health and finance-related decisions to make right now, so I'm doing the mature, responsible thing: procrastinating!
...by putting my 2018 goals on paper/WordPress, so it counts.
Who knows what all I will actually accomplish, but during conversations with the last guy I started seeing, I realized that one of my biggest flaws is that I am afraid to dream big anymore. Frequently because, unfortunately, I am afraid to fail (yes, cultivating more of a growth mindset is something I'm currently working on, too).
I plan to edit this post as I think of more, but here we go for now! In 2018 I aim to:
This week has been one full of lessons for me.
I've learned exactly how fast I can move when I witness an electrical fire in a garage full of cars...that happens to be located directly under my apartment. (Spoiler: car and cat were both moved to safe locations and the fire department got there within minutes, so thankfully no vehicles burst into flame.)
I've learned that this adult ADHD means I still deal with certain types of stress the same as always: don't eat (and y’all KNOW I love food), don't sleep, and run like hell. I've actually lost a full 1.5 inches from my waist just since Thanksgiving last week.
I've also been gently reminded that we simply can't expect other people to treat us how we would treat them, whether in friendship, in love, or in life in general.
“Write clear and hard about what hurts. Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don’t worry, no one ever died of it. You might cry or laugh, but not die.” —Ernest Hemingway
So the below is from a post I put up on Instagram this week. Typically I don’t post on social media about what’s happening in my “real life,” but I figured someone in a similar position might appreciate the solidarity.
Although losing him has been hard, today I am reminded of the fact that I can turn this heartbreak into a learning experience and further enrich my worldview, my capacity for empathy, and my understanding of myself. We’ve all been in that place where we thought someone deserved the world and we ultimately ended up rejected, often seemingly out of the blue. It hurts, but it’s an opportunity to take a deeper look into what we want and need out of relationships, what the other person wasn’t giving us that we at first did not acknowledge, where we have room to improve…and where, perhaps, we need to learn to know our own worth and expect more out of the other person. Sometimes, I think we actually get left when we do not expect enough out of our significant others, although that can be a scary thing to do.
Today was a little hard. I got two hours of sleep, the address for my job interview ended up being in a field, and I’m missing you.
When bad things happen, I instinctively reach out for you; now, you’re not there. When good things happen, my impulse is to call you. You said you wanted to know about both…but I don’t need to depend on you for love, support, or encouragement if you won’t be there through thick and thin.
Tomorrow will mark one month since he left me, and I've decided that tomorrow will also mark the day my life begins anew, the day I will let my tears begin to water seeds that, once nurtured, will blossom into grace, wisdom, empathy, resilience, and opportunity.
It can be really empowering for other people to believe in you, but it’s even more important to believe in yourself. As wonderful as it is to have people reassure me of my capabilities when I doubt myself–which I did a lot of in 2015–I also am aware that all the reassurance in the world will not restore my tenacity and fire unless I truly believe what is being said.
