5/27/18
Sometimes I remember that night.
Rain pouring down around us,
Your kisses hot and wet,
The taste of salt on your lips.
The hood of your brother’s car was
The perfect brace in a pinch.
God, if only you’d understood
How much I loved you then.
If only I’d known it wouldn’t matter.
-Sarah Clinton
12/20/17
It’s okay to drink
If wine is all that’s keeping you
From falling to your knees
At the feet of a man
Who is unworthy
Of kissing the ground you walk upon.
-Sarah Clinton
February 7, 2018
You are more vapor than gust, now.
The only remnant of your presence
Appears at nightfall
When the world is all but asleep
And the wind carries along a whispered memory
That, when day breaks,
Is shoved aside
Like those old dreams
Of you and I.
-Sarah Clinton
Part of the reason I was so broken when it was apparent that D. is not who I had believed was the realization that after all this time, I still had not learned to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt, to stop trusting their words even when their actions suddenly tell a very different story.
But maybe now, that lesson is finally hitting home.
D. certainly threw me for a loop–both when he appeared and when he unceremoniously left (and then, of course, began doing the very same thing to another woman while lying to me about it, but that’s another story). Despite the short time we’d known each other, his leaving without any acknowledgement or offer of closure hit me harder than perhaps any other dating snafu since my early twenties. I had stopped eating, started drinking, and was pretty much a mess overall.
If there is anything I think I finally, finally need to thoroughly learn this year, it is to stop trusting men I care about more than I trust my own intuition. “Always trust your gut” is an adage I’ve heard probably from the time I could walk, but it’s a lot easier said than done when going with your gut means acknowledging that someone you love, admire, esteem, etc., is lying to you or simply isn’t who you thought they were.
It was a Makarov IJ-70. Soviet-era, heavy. She’d chosen it for the five-point star on the handle— which reminded her of her home state—and the image it evoked of a war-hardened military commander who, surely, would have fewer second thoughts than was she. She didn’t much want to admit it, but she’d also chosen it for the 16-pound trigger pull. Her brother had told her she could carry it safety-off with no trouble; she just wished she didn’t have to carry it.
When you’re hurting, I think it can be easy at times to allow your world to fade into gray. And that’s okay: sometimes, you have to do whatever it takes to get through whatever trial you’re facing.
Typically, I haven’t had the “luxury” of taking the time to process whatever grief or anger a situation has caused. This time, I made sure to go through that process. I’ll be honest, it was hard as hell and it pulled me way out of my comfort zone, but it was probably a lot healthier to allow myself to heal and gain wisdom from the experience.
There are few situations lonelier than being wanted by seemingly everybody…except the one person whose attention you crave.
You know, I get hit on every day. Sometimes it bothers me more than others, but the vast majority of the time, I prefer to be left alone. You know, treated like a human being rather than an item to be possessed. That sentiment gets infinitely more painful each time someone hits on me in “real life” or I get an overwhelming number of messages on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Twitter, freaking Words with Friends (because yes, women get hit on EVERYWHERE), etc…and meanwhile, I am being ignored by the one man who really made me believe in the possibility of forever.
You know, the guy I dated for a couple years in college cheated on me. When I found out, I left him. On my 22nd birthday 6-7 weeks later, he let me know that he had bought my engagement ring several months before and was planning to propose that night. Asked me if I wanted to at least see it, etc.
That night, I gave myself ten seconds to cry over it. Then I promptly pulled myself together and went out to dinner with my roommates and then out on the town (without the girls, who went to bed) to dance the night away.
